Are You Breaking Up to Make Up?
In my last post I talked about how your lack of commitment is directly affecting your happiness. In this post I venture into the territory of intimacy. Like most people, I innocently thought it was spending as much time as possible with someone or having really deep, meaningful conversations, but never did it occur to me that it was a feeling and had nothing to do with communicating in the verbal sense! So what is intimacy and how do your thoughts contribute to it?
Once again I turn to my friend Psychologist George Pransky PhD for an all together different perspective. In his book The Relationship Handbook George has dedicated chapter 14 to the subject of Intimacy.
Our form of intimacy is to be distracted together
Couples say they want to be close, and they’re relieved to learn that being intimate is not a matter of time or “deep” discussions. People have trouble appreciating the simplicity of intimacy. They expect it to be more difficult, more involved. The harder they search for intimacy, the father off it seems. This chapter puts intimacy within every one’s reach.
Doesn’t intimacy require a large investment of time, talk and energy?
Have you ever noticed how you can be sitting with your partner and feel worlds apart? No matter how much dialogue passes between the two of you, you feel as if their body is present, but they are off somewhere else? Or maybe that describes you?
I know intimacy or lack of intimacy is a significant issue in many relationships. In the beginning of most relationships the intimacy levels are usually pretty high because both partners are so into each other. They momentarily take a break from their thinking, analyzing and habitual thoughts and are able to enjoy the other person. I mean we practically hang on every word they say. Then as time goes on because we aren’t aware that we think, we all innocently revert back to our habitual thinking or predisposed thinking and the closeness we felt slowly starts to dissipate and turn to distance. We blame it on all sorts of things.
Knowing what I know now, I would say that intimacy or rather the feeling of intimacy is the glue that holds relationships together but in order to have it you must understand how your thoughts, moods and emotions play into your ability to experience it more often rather than less often. Many people experience brief glimpses of intimacy but not to the degree they wish.
So what is the number one issue that gets in the way of cultivating that feeling of intimacy? You guessed it…a busy mind preoccupied with doubts, insecurity, thoughts and distractions of worry, concern and problems. Generally most, if not all, people want that feeling of closeness but go about it the wrong way. Everything we try to do to create more intimacy seems to leave one more empty, isolated, lonely and incomplete. Most people innocently try to treat matters of the heart with their intellect put on their analytical thinking cap and in the name of making sense of the relationship or having a better relationship they start dissecting and focusing on the relationship problems or character defaults. Which almost always leads to the same conclusion: this must not be the right person. Okay, well if that is so how many people can’t be the right person? At some point you’ve got to start asking yourself that question.
I’ve heard so many say, “Well it is better to alone then to be with someone and feel alone.” We get caught up in our misguided thoughts and our view of our partner is contaminated. This causes us to fall into the thinking of, “I am with the wrong person. We weren’t right for each other.” Is it any wonder why relationships don’t work? We get so caught up and preoccupied with the symptoms of the relationship instead of realizing the heart of the matter…our thinking. Our distracting thoughts keep us from enjoying our partners and experiencing intimacy or being close. Our thoughts are keeping us from being present and have the potential to leave a large gaping distance between people that is cold, isolating and lonely.
Is it any wonder how people innocently find themselves getting caught up in an affair? They get confused and think this sudden rush of energy and connectedness are this new person and they attach themselves and their thinking to this new person. What they don’t realize is that these feelings are within themselves. They were a direct result from being able to slow down their minds and their hearts are open to connect, for experiences to get through. They are able to dismiss or drop their habitual thinking momentarily and allow themselves to be present and clear minded with this new person which in turn creates those warm, intimate feelings. Unwittingly they mistakenly put their happiness on this newness and the idea that they have finally found the right person. This is misplaced connectedness. This intimacy can be so strong for some that they are willing to throw out their life partner for these feelings of connectedness with the new person only to realize in a few short months that their new prince charming is very similar to their old frog! As George explains:
Insecurity is what causes habitual behavior. When we feel unsafe or insecure, we lapse into distraction. When we feel secure we find it easy to be in the moment. There is nothing like a strong human presence to draw a person into the moment.
Being intimate with others is a natural state. Intimacy is the feeling of closeness that comes when two people are together with nothing in particular on their minds. When one person gets absorbed in his own thoughts, however, the closeness will decrease. Closeness does not require time, conversation or effort. Couples who don’t realize where intimacy comes from try to get it through emotional discussions or fights. To the extent that these discussions and fights clear the partners’ minds, they provide moments of intimacy–the pleasure of making up. However, the fights are unnecessary. Those same moments also occur when the partners clear their minds and spend a few moments together with a high level of presence.
(Span Of Attention) – (Amount Of Distractions) = Capacity For Intimacy
When a couple is first together, their intimacy level is usually very high because their focus is on enjoying each other. As they start evaluating each other (is this person “the one?”), they get distracted and their intimacy level drops. They attribute it to not being right for each other. They don’t realize that the evaluation process itself is what dampened their intimacy.
Busy schedules and parental responsibilities need not affect the level of intimacy. If the partners focus on each other when they are together, their relationship will not lack intimacy. If, on the other hand, they think about tomorrow’s meetings, they will lose their sense of intimacy. It is not the schedule itself that makes them less close; it is the thoughts about the schedule.
Being distracted is just a habit. Once you realize that some thinking is extraneous, your thinking will become more functional. Closeness takes care of itself as you gain more control over your thinking!
I hope this sheds some light on why you may or may not be experiencing the levels of intimacy in your relationships that you desire. It also will help you realize what is causing the lack of intimacy in your relationships and the need to slow down your mind. You would be surprised at how when one person in the relationships starts to slow down the calming affect it has on your partner and your children. You start to see how easy it is to get so caught up in your thinking that everything appears “as if” those thoughts were really happening. This gives you the bigger perspective that the tree is not the forest and when your thoughts clear you will see the way out of the forest until then you wait it out. Knowing this has made me aware that intimacy is not difficult to have nor does it require tons of energy and work. The power of knowing that happiness is not outside of us but has always been there inside of us. Often it isn’t changing circumstances or people but having a change of heart that makes all the difference in the world.
Quote by Sydney Banks
The state of non caring is the best state to be in because you relinquish self and are only thinking of others! – Sydney Banks
Quote by George Pransky, PhD
In a way, you could say a healthy state of mind is like a tool kit and in it there is enthusiasm, creativity, resilience, understanding, learning curve, light heartedness, sense of humor, self-confidence, self-esteem etc….it has everything in it for good performance and a happy life. -George Pransky from Leveraging the Human Dimension in Business
Quote by George Pransky, PhD
Resolution has everything to do with your commitment and your vision and what you’ll put up with. If you will not stand for unhappy endings, if it is unacceptable to you to have unhappy endings and if you really care that your interactions end on a positive note, I’m saying that no matter how clumsy or awkward you might be in your communication or how difficult the issue is, you will end up with a happy ending because you just hang in there and do your best until you come up with a happy ending. You will have learned from that interaction what to do next time. The level of rapport is determined by your willingness or demand that things be right between yourself and your relationships. If you will accept a bad rapport because you think the decision was right or you were right then you are gonna have a bad rapport because you are putting the moment to moment decisions, the content of your life ahead of the feeling or the rapport level! – George Pransky PhD
Quote by George Pransky PhD
Common sense is seeing the obvious. When your mind is clear and not contaminated by what you already know (experience) we have an ability to see the obvious and that ability to see the obvious is what people call common sense. When we have the ability to see the obvious and it looks really intelligent we call that wisdom but it is the same thing! – George Pransky PhD on Common Sense Parenting
Quote by Dan Milman
The people that need the most love are often the hardest to love. – Dan Milman
Quote by George Pransky PhD
A reactive state is like shifting sands (knee jerk reactions), a responsive state is a solid footing! - George Pransky PhD on Common Sense Parenting
My thoughts
People will hurt themselves and others when they suffer from a low mental well-being or state of mind. Only you can destroy you. True Love is a mind that isn’t contaminated. True love is understanding, understanding that we are all equal. Understanding the idea of, ‘There but for the grace of God go I.’ Understanding the innocents in every single person that they are doing the best they can from the current state of mind they are working from. It is recognizing that if their mental well being were higher they wouldn’t behave in such ways. We see they are emotionally handicapped and we are able to offer compassion and understanding.
Quote by Sydney Banks
Whatever you are is all you can give away! We can’t change anyone else but ourselves. So in this one regard be selfish, find YOUR mental well being, learn about the power of mind, consciousness and thought and you will be empowered to inspire and empower all who come in contact with you! – Sydney Banks
Quote from George Pransky PhD
Commitment and intimacy are functions of our degree of mental involvement. The more engaged we are, the larger our capacity for commitment. Full involvement works out best for all parties. What limits our level of mental involvement is insecurity. When we indulge concerns, fears and doubts, we are too distracted to be fully involved. We are holding back. – George Pransky PhD from The Relationship Handbook
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