Respect

The other day I was listening to Dr. Pransky’s cd, Advocacy vs. Synergy and wanted to take a moment and talk about the word respect and what it means to me and how it directly plays into finding solutions rather than producing combative argument.

The word respect carries a lofty meaning. Whether we like it or not, respect comes with much responsibility. When someone respects us it feels really good. It gives us confidence; it can motivate us, change us, and move us to new heights. We don’t want to let people down who respect us. After all it can take a lifetime to earn their respect again.

By Wikipedia’s definition, Respect is an assumption of good faith and competence in another person or in the whole of oneself. Depth of integrity, trust, complementary moral values, and skill are necessary components.[1]

Respect adds general reliability to social interactions.
It enables people to work together in a complimentary fashion, instead
of each person having to understand or even agree with each other every
time. Respect is very important to communities because it helps people
get along with other people.[1]

I love this definition. I love to challenge and be challenged in positive ways, it is only when we lose site of our commitment to respecting each other that we start arguing over opinions and opinions are just that. Debating over opinions can turn into ugly, hurtful debates and arguments leaving everyone hurt, down and even emotionally dismembered.

In Dr. Pransky’s cd Advocacy vs. Synergy: Two Models of Human Interaction teaches you how to have more interesting conversations with people and come to creative resolutions that combine the ideas of all parties.  He really brought home the principal of respect to me. When I respect you, I am allowing you to influence me and many people DON’T want to be influenced by others. They judge them by the way they look, the way they dress, their education level, their hairstyle, their social position in life, the car they drive, the job the hold and they make immediate assumptions on whether or not they will listen or deem that person “stupid” with nothing to offer.

I think this is very sad and I will tell you why, in my daily work, I spend much of my time talking and interviewing all sorts of people from many walks of life and each person, young and old, black and white, skinny and fat, educated and uneducated all have something incredibly interesting to bring to the table. If we would only put aside our fear and just listen. God gave us two ears and ONE mouth. If he wanted us to talk more, we would have two mouths and this is coming from someone who LOVES to talk.

I find that the dumbest people are the ones who think they know it all, the ones who are so closed minded and argumentative, they are always right, they hurt others with their opinions and they shut down all outside thoughts and suggestions in order to fight for their belief which is ALWAYS right. Their objective is about winning and being right and has nothing to do with respecting other people and counting them as valuable.

Many people are shut down on a daily basis that after a while they stop offering any type of opinion at all because so many people have beaten them up and deemed them stupid. They loose the confidence to contribute to conversations or think they have anything worthy of saying that when asked their opinion they say, “I don’t know.” It takes someone who values them, who will really listen to them, and makes their opinion count that brings them out of their shell and after a while that person can actually grow to be quite intelligent. They will develop in their thinking and rise to the challenge of offering valuable information.

I find the most interesting people to be the ones who are willing to open up their hearts to you when you offer a safe place for them to speak and be heard. They focus on principles instead of opinion or details and conversations are more inspiring and intriguing. Every person has a voice, every person thoughts are valuable in some form or fashion. By listening and allowing ourselves to be influenced, we teach others how to rise to their highest levels of intelligence.

You want to really get to know people, ask them what they think. Let them talk, ask them why they feel that way, get the stories behind what they think and before you know it, YOU may be moved, even influenced and inspired to think differently.

Anyone who has teenagers and spends anytime talking with them is forced to be open or else they will soon find that their teens are running to others who are willing to listen and empathize with them. This can be very dangerous because unfortunately the people they are getting their information from may not be appropriate.

All in all, our fear, our beliefs keep us stuck. Our close mindedness keeps us from seeking truth and solutions and keeps us focused on winning debates and arguing for the sake of arguing to win a side or position. It is exhausting and fruitless.

Real solutions come from people who respect each other to listen and allow themselves to be influenced and moved by an others beliefs. I am not talking about compromise either. Really listening to someone may change your view point completely and your stance. If you go into a conversation trying to win your point, you have lost already. Soon you will find that people don’t want to open up to you because you shut them down.

Try this in your daily life with the people you interact with. Stop the mailman or the coffee barista and ask them what they think on a subject, they will be shocked, more importantly your life and your day will become all the more interesting and you might find yourself moved by people you had never dreamed of!

Click

The older my son gets the more sentimental and appreciative of me he is. I love it. He really has an understanding of how much I love him and what great lengths I would go to for him. He motivates me, he influences me and I love talking to him. He is very intelligent and yet, very easy to talk to. He forms interesting opinions that even inspire me to think differently. He influences the way I see the world.

Last year he came to me and told me I had to watch this movie by Adam Sandler called, “Click.” He said that he and his friend watched it and they were deeply moved. He wouldn’t give me any details and was adamant that I picked it up that evening. I am a huge fan of Adam Sandler because most of his movies are very funny, and they make me laugh out loud. I expected this one to be the same; boy was I in for a surprise.

It is two years later and I am still talking about that movie. I ended up buying it because it was one of the most powerful movies I have ever seen. I watched it with my son and I couldn’t fight back the lump in my chest.

I tried to remain strong and manage my feelings, when he looked over at me and started making fun of me, I laughed and noticed he too had tears streaming down his face. This movie really makes you think. It really makes you put your life into perspective and think about what is important to you. It makes you realize “who” is important to you and by the end of the movie you want to call off all grudges and make nice. It reminds you that we miss out on so many important moments in the pursuit of “other” things.

My son was speaking to me through that movie. It made me realize how much I put him off and how distracted I was in our daily transactions. He felt that often I ignored him and was always preoccupied with work stuff.  That movie will forever be with me. When things get so busy in my life, I am reminded to “let go.” It will be there tomorrow, my son will soon be gone soon to college.

I have since watched that movie several times and highly, highly recommend it. If you do happen to watch it, make sure to have a box of Kleenex sitting next to you. Go on and rent it tonight or purchase Click.